I have demons in me.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
