Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
