Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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