Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
