he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
