Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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