Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
