She said her name was "party"
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
