Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
