On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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