i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Drake has all the answers
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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