i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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