the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
