ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
