Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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