I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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