I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
