Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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