I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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