I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
