I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
