Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
