The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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