dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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