i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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