she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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