I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
