Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
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