The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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