A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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