remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
