man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
