1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
