Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
