Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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