Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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