So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
