flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
