So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
