the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
