Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
