My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
