Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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