but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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