i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
