Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just high enough for therapy.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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