i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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