I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She needs sedatives and a leash
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
