Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
