Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
