My friends, they love my intelligence
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
