My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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