Girls should come with a carfax report
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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