Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
