i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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