3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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