I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
