Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
