No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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