i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
im holly from the hills drunk
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
