So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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