My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
